People say stupid things

A maternity ward for cannibals...

2006-12-16T21:49:00.000-05:00

At the birthing room of the hositpal:

RN: "Then after you have the baby, we eat you...uh, we let you eat."

I'm starting to see a theme in this store..

2006-05-14T00:18:00.000-04:00

At a Barnes and Noble Book store, a woman turns the corner from one aisle into the next.

WOMAN (surprised): "Oh, there's more books over here!"

I Hope That's Not A Sales Call...

2006-03-04T18:04:00.000-05:00

Boss: (on the phone): "Oh, you know...that picture after I just ripped my dress off and we were looking at each other laughing?"

Racist Sweet Tooth

2006-03-04T17:55:00.000-05:00

Man looking at gourmet chocolate: "I don't want any. Those aren't white chocolate, they're just sub-white."

Magical Powers of Corporate America

2006-01-31T12:09:00.000-05:00

At the office:

ATTORNEY (to her bewildered admin): "I just wish you'd listen to me instead of trying to be psychic!"

Apocalypse Now

2006-01-17T18:51:00.000-05:00

Overheard in a high school classroom after a presentation on nuclear proliferation...

Student A: "So, if we had a nuclear war, we would have nuclear winter and we'd all die?"

Presenter: "Yeah. If Russia and the U.S. had gone to war, we all could have died. It would take 400 nuclear explosions to produce enough debris to block out the sun."

Student B: "So, how many nuclear winters have we had?"

Presenter: Dumbfounded silence at stupidity of classmate. "Ummm....none...."

-Liz(ard)

Subject: Friday Night Hockey

2006-01-04T13:31:00.000-05:00

An e-mail sent between two employees (Names changed to protect the idiots):

From:dumbo@dumb.com
01/04/2006 12:30 PM
To: ted@dumb.com
Subject: Re: Friday Night Hockey

Is this Saturday?

----------------------------------------
Original Message:

From: ted@dumb.com
01/04/2006 12:30 PM
To: dumbo@dumb.com
Subject: Friday Night Hockey

This weekend the Thrashers play against the Penguins. I have center ice on my digital cable package so I am going to watch the game.

Maybe you might come too.

The game starts at 7:00.

Ted

Food Network...HELLLPPPP!

2006-01-04T13:16:00.000-05:00

In Produce department of Price Chopper SuperMarket:

Stupid 12 Year Old Girl: "Mom, is that basil or garlic?"

Mom: "It's garlic, I think I know what garlic looks like."

What'd you call me??

2006-01-04T13:09:00.000-05:00

Game Show Host: "Well, weather they call you Chicken or Gay, let's go to the next question."

It's good they are reminding us...

2006-01-03T14:33:00.000-05:00

Headline in a newsletter at our company:

Don't Forget: Memory Seminar Scheduled for January 12

Because Dartmouth is a sex-free school...

2005-12-29T17:08:00.000-05:00

HIP LOOKING YOUNG MAN: "And then when I left Dartmouth, I got laid."

I think she means twit.

2005-12-27T16:04:00.000-05:00

A GRANDMOTHER (to her granddaughter-in-law): "I'm just an old twat."

I wanted to be a news program anchor

2005-12-23T09:21:00.000-05:00

TV play-by-play sports announcer: "I'm not sure if that's a fact or if I just made it up."

Shhh... They're listening right now

2005-12-21T11:11:00.000-05:00

In a conference room, a man prepares to call someone that will participate in the meeting via speaker phone.

MAN (reading a sticker on the phone) : "Calls from this phone may be monitored."

ANOTHER MAN: "Yeah, by George W. Bush."

And A Partridge in a .....WHERE???

2005-12-20T17:05:00.000-05:00

Father in Christmas Tree Patch (FICTP): in a VERY aggravated whiney tone "Judy, Judy, this one is fine, jeez."
Judy: "Oh alright sure I dont care - yeah, that one will fit. "
FICTP: "Hey, this one - you have the saw?"
Son: "Yeah, I got it. Hey - I have the wrong shoes on."
FICTP: "Oh for Christ's sake - you want me to do it? Damn."
Son: "No, DAD, I know how to cut down a F*&^%*@ Christmas Tree"
FICTP: "Then fine - do it already dammit. "

All I want for Christmas Is My 2 Front Teeth

2005-12-20T16:58:00.000-05:00

Person on phone: "Did you hear about my fall?"

Other person: "yes, that's awful. How are you feeling?"

Person on phone: "My shoulder hurts, the bottom of my ribs, my ankles from when they came out of my shoes, my back aches, and my hip is cracking."

Other person: "Oh man. When Mom told me you fell I thought she was going to say you split your chin open."

Person on phone: "No, I turned to save my face. At this point I think I should have just fallen right on my face. I wouldn't hurt so much."

Other person: Silence.

This Person Deserves a Good Citizen Award

2005-12-19T19:45:00.000-05:00

Monday December 19th.

Administrator: "Why did you join in the fight?"

Good Citizen: "I didn't join in the fight. I was trying to break up the fight and I pushed them apart. But when one kid fell down and tried to get up I had to punch him in the face to stop him from getting back in the fight."

No way, you really said that?!

2005-12-15T23:27:00.000-05:00

Walking into a men's room, two men stand next to each other at the urinals.

MAN #1: "Spiffy? Did you just say Spiffy?"

MAN #2 (in a proud voice): "I sure did!"

I'm Jewish so I'm illiterate

2005-12-15T10:03:00.000-05:00

At a music and video store.

CUSTOMER: "I'm looking for a CD by The Reverend Horton Heat"

WORKER (typing into the terminal): "How is that spelled?"

CUSTOMER: "Reverend? Just like the kind of reverend at a church."

WORKER: "Well, I'm Jewish, so I don't know how to spell it."

Guys Johnie

2005-12-14T21:10:00.000-05:00

I was in the men's room one day talking to this loser named Mike. WTF!!! I was taking care of some business and another gabroni comes in.

JIMMY MAC: "Water is cold."

Mike: "And deep"

The gentelman leaves to use another bathroom.

If you don't get it, you are obviously not a guy.

At least they got the W

2005-12-14T20:55:00.000-05:00

I was talking to Mike via email today. Harassing him about the Thrashers giving up there 6 to 2 lead in the third period. But at least they got the "W", and went on to win 7-2.

Poor Mike, poor Thrashers. And I thought they were going to have double digit goals.

Out

Stupid School

2005-12-13T20:04:00.000-05:00

Brief History of Student: has only been in one high school her whole life.

Student: "This is the worst school that I have ever been in. This school sucks. Its like we are in a prison."

Aisle 15

2005-12-12T12:51:00.000-05:00

A little old lady wanders up to a clerk stocking shelves in a supermarket. In a not as quiet as it should have been voice, she asks him, "Excuse me, where are the suppositories?"

Not the smartest news casters.

2005-12-09T14:25:00.000-05:00

Heard Tuesday morning during the huge blizzard

Smart Street Reporter: As you can see here, there is no snow falling. The roads are completely clear.

Stupid Reporter in Studio: We will keep you up to date on this storm affecting Connecticut.

Well, it's my Birthday...

2005-12-08T12:17:00.000-05:00

In an inquisitive tone, completely seriously, a middle-aged man to his young teenage (apparent) son asked: "Is today Mom's birthday?"

This was about 2:30 in the afternoon.

If you were her, you'd be lucky...

2005-12-07T16:23:00.000-05:00

A man walks over to the desk of a female coworker:

MAN: You didn't call me back.
WOMAN: Huh?
MAN: Are you Judith White?
WOMAN: Um, no.
MAN: It says here you are, fourth floor, 148.
WOMAN: We just moved people around.
MAN: Yesterday or today?
WOMAN: Last week.
MAN: Your loss. You could have had a new machine.

Yeah, I know him by the process of elimination...

2005-12-07T10:22:00.000-05:00

At an insurance company:

Guy 1: So he's been at Lincoln now for…
Guy 2: (interrupting) two years?
Guy 1: …about nine months
Guy 2: I know exactly who you're talking about now.

The first thing I heard*

2005-12-06T15:00:00.000-05:00

The Boy Scouts were selling something outside of the local supermarket.

BOY SCOUT: Excuse me sir, would you like to buy a raffle ticket?

MAN: No, I hate the Boy Scouts.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Okay, it was me, but I still heard it.
* Also, this was not the first thing I ever heard.